in the cold light of the morning

Yesterday was a crazy crazy HOT day. First I went and did my 1 hour newbie flight with a Cessna 150 or 152 I forgot. But it was a tiny 2 person plane used mainly to train. The heat was making everyone melt it was like 35 degrees, and there was no aircon in that old plane! DIED. It was so exciting, the pilot was so nice and I feel bad I should've taken a photo of the whole thing haha. Anyways he let me control the roll and pitch for a long time after 2000ft but he controlled yaw. We went up to the northern beaches, and back. It was kinda hard to keep it stable and he said I was being to gentle loll. There was this other person at the flying thing and he got an interview too.....shitttt!!!! the competition.

Then I went to work exp n worked a few hours n got some clothes, yayyyy :)

Then went to meet the awesome foursome haha me/j/k/mia. and WOW! My mum kept calling though that was annoying cause she wanted me to be home before dad leaves for work, because she doesn't want to be home by 6am....?! yeah lol wtf. I got home n wasn't sleepy from the drive and went through a few pages.

the ennnddd....

jam packedddd

work, more days at work exp, studying for the thing, and hardly fitting in seeing friends! I haven't seen kathy caitlin bec n others for AGES and I can't until after next week...omg. n haven't seen mia that much either. Okay, now time to squeeze this all into my BRAIIINNNN!

awkwardly reversed

Somebody get my phone

So I can throw it in a public pool

And watch it float

And as it's slowly sinking down,

become a social ghost

Why can't I just hide what I think! Gees Roxane, way to go! How embarassing..

Anyways yay to people finally finishing exams soon. Looking forward to monday, tuesday, thursday and getting more in my brain the next 11 days.

BYE

worst idea ever

I hate cameras being pointed at me when I'm alone. FUCKING HATE! And arghhhhh you were so impatient and SHIT and as was I. Other people are probs gonna have these amazing photos and mine is just like errrr WHAT THE FUCK!? I should've organised this earlier so it's my fault again I guess. I wanted to go to them but they are seriously way too busy for this shit. Way too busy for anything really. I hate depending on people sometimes because they can be so unreliable. And I hate it when my dad is home all day-like today because he gives me shit and I get nothing done. Crappy shit like "oh you need to do the laundry" or "oh is this yours?" or "clean your stuff up, it's freaking everywhere!" or "you're both freaking insane, you're just like your mother." fjslkdfjklsjdlgjsldkjglk;jdfl;gjdfgjldfgjdljgldjf

AS YOU CAN SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. My final shit is due tomorrow and I am fucking tripping out because it's sooooo just a credit level of work.

OK whatever I'll get it done. I have 20 hours. Hand it in tomorrow and worry about the interview finally and focus on that.

This skin that turns to blister blue

So how come it's not the same the other way around? Oh right, probably because it's not about you.

This is all just a dream

"We never had that conversation. This is all just a dream *oooOOoOOooO*"

SO moving right along.

I've been thinking about a few things way too much such as the interview, my future, money, work, money, my future, him, study, him, uni things due, flying, him, uni things due, planned events, my future, library, must study, 2 weeks, them, new work/interview pants, shirt perhaps, haircut, must study, my future and HOLY SHIT. I'm overwhelmed. And sorry if you just read that screwed up sentence.

So I'm not the type to go for what I want, as in who I want. I will go for things for my career, jobs, materialistic crap, uni etc but this is something I am incapable of doing. In a way I am 'experienced' with relationships-or should I say relationshiP. So really, I don't know shit about chasing or whatever people like to call it. I'm socially awkward as it is! As you can tell by my blogging habits...and if you know me in real life ha..ha... People always seem to be surprised that I've been single for so long, probably because the social norm for our age is to date date date hookup hookup hookup?! Or that everyone else who got out of a long relationship have moved on with new people ages ago already. And then they go hmmm "maybe you have high expectations" and I reply with "haha I don't meet many people really", to which in my head I am actually thinking "maybe you should tell me I'm a freak while you're at it because I just KNOW that you think that". Oh yes, I could go clubbing and 'slut dance like x and y' like someone once suggested. And yes I could be more upfront and sociable and go out more in general. And yes I could've settled with the few weird people that have had interest in me before.

BUT no I don't want to slut dance. When I dance, I dance. I don't want to grind on some dude along with other dudes and girls grinding! And I just can't be bothered making the effort when nothing will happen anyway. I just usually stick to the people I really want to spend time with and have one off going out things. Alcoholic night with heels or movie/coffee/dinner/dessert night with my closest people? I choose the 2nd option unless there's some occasion.

We all have expectations...But really, just someone that clicks! And so far I haven't met many people like that. It's even hard to find girls that click with me well let alone the male species.

So the conclusion of this unstructured piece of shit is that I should just stop thinking about him because it's stupid. And I respect those who have the time during uni and work to have a relationship cause I really don't see where I could squeeze that in. Anyways, as long as I have goals to reach and a career to make I s'pose this will have to wait some more.

If you really want something, you'd try harder

Who's to say that I can't do what I want to do? What I know I can do...All I need is this opportunity, this chance. I'll keep trying and trying if this year doesn't work out, I know that one day I will accomplish part of that dream even if that means a private license. And if my career doesn't follow that path because I'm not accepted or because I can't afford $40k-$80k outright to get a license, I know I'm going to do well with the one I've chosen already. And I know that there are so many smarter and more deserving people who fit that position too, perhaps they're more lucky, more decisive, better at presenting themselves etc. So many things are there to be considered!!!

At the end of the day, I just need to try my best. As cheesey as that sounds-it's true.

And apart from this stuff, there's something else. Why is it always me?! And why am I so insane about it...If only you know what I mean, then maybe you'd make it right.